How to Handle Your Friend Gaslighting You

The Oxford dictionary defines gaslighting as manipulating a person via psychological means into questioning his or her own sanity. Sounds crazy, right? Unfortunately, gaslighting is a very real problem, and is a favorite tactic of narcissists and emotional manipulators of all kinds.

Gaslighting can make you feel like you’re losing your mind. Lies, misdirection, blame, and more, are favorite tools of a gaslighter. If you’re being gaslighted by a friend, it’s time to take the situation very seriously and address it as quickly as possible.

No one in your life should be emotionally manipulating you, and we tend to give friends and family a pass for negative behavior in the name of love. Love doesn’t include emotional manipulation, but rather healthy boundaries, communication, and support.

1. Understand The Severity Of Gaslighting

First and foremost, you must understand the severity of this emotional manipulation tactic. Often, gaslighting is used to help the manipulator get their way every time. If they can make you question your own sanity, you’re probably going to do things their way.

Let’s look at a simple example. Let’s say you recall an event very differently than your friend does, but somehow, they’ve convinced you that this event occurred in a particular way (usually in their favor). You’re certain that it didn’t happen that way, and now you’re questioning your sanity. This is a very mild example of gaslighting.

Lying is also a favorite tactic of gaslighters. Lies can be incredibly destructive and manipulative, and we often don’t consider the impact of even the smallest lies. Small lies add up over time, and, given enough of them, you can start to question your sanity.

The fact is, gaslighting is serious. It’s not a game, and it’s not something that you should allow a “friend” to do to you.

2. Set Firm Boundaries

Once you’ve discovered that your friend is gaslighting you, no matter how minor it may seem, you must set firm boundaries as soon as possible. Be ready for pushback, as emotionally abusive people don’t handle boundaries well; especially new ones that disrupt their manipulative practices.

Your friend will likely play the blame game and try to make you question the need for boundaries at all. You. Need. Boundaries. Don’t let them manipulate you into backing down. What they’re doing is harmful to your mental health, and at the end of the day, you’ve got to look out for yourself.

Let your friend know that their behavior is affecting you in a certain way, and going forward, you’ll have certain boundaries you want them to respect. If they choose not to respect your boundaries, it’s a clear indicator that they value neither you or your mental health, and that’s hardly friendly behavior.

3. Give Them Time To Adjust

Let’s say your friend recognizes what they’re doing, and accepts that you have new boundaries. They truly may not have realized the extent of their behavior, so it’s ok ti give them some time to adjust to your new boundaries. A slip-up isn’t usually an indicator they’re falling back into old behaviors, but monitor those mistakes carefully.

A mistake that’s followed by a sincere apology and an effort to do better is usually just that; a simple mistake. It’s crucial to know the difference between a mistake and old behaviors arising once more under the guise of a mistake.

Give your friend some time to adjust to your new boundaries. If they show respect and a genuine effort, it’s safe to say they value your presence in their life, and genuinely want to put effort into the relationship.

4. Recognize Patterns Of Behavior That Don’t Change

Even if you can get through to your friend about what they’re doing, sometimes things just don’t change. Whatever caused your friend to start gaslighting to begin with could be out their control and beyond your understanding, but that still doesn’t make it ok. Keep an eye on those subtle behaviors that don’t seem to change; they’re often a doorway for greater manipulation once they’ve broken down your defenses.

5. Make A Tough Decision

The hardest part of a relationship is knowing when to end it. This is a mature and heavy decision to make, but one that must be made in certain conditions. If you’ve let your friend know what they’re doing affects you a certain way, set boundaries, and given them time to adjust, they’ll either get on board or they won’t. It’s that simple.

When they don’t follow or respect your boundaries, you might just need to step away from the relationship. Relationships are supposed to be supportive and beneficial to both parties.

When it becomes a one-sided affair complete with emotional manipulation and disrespect of basic boundaries, it’s no longer serving your needs and is only feeding the manipulator’s appetite.

This article does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors or management of EconoTimes