Parents abused by their children often suffer in silence – specialist therapy is helping them find a voice

Home is not always a place of safety for everyone. This is an unspoken reality for some parents who endure abuse at the hands of their children. From physical violence to emotional manipulation, this largely hidden issue cuts across families of all backgrounds.

For too long, stigma and silence have allowed child-to-parent abuse to fester in the shadows, unacknowledged in policy discussions and under-researched in academic circles. But a recent study of ours analysed a therapeutic programme designed to address child-to-parent abuse, and its transformative potential.

Child-to-parent abuse affects families across socio-economic and cultural boundaries. But it’s particularly prevalent in homes where domestic abuse and intimate partner violence is present.

Legally, child-to-parent abuse is ambiguously positioned in England and Wales. It is often subsumed under domestic abuse legislation, including the Domestic Abuse Act 2021. But the law primarily focuses on people aged 16 and older, and problematically labels children as perpetrators, despite youth justice policy and practice moving to child-first approaches.

This adds to the societal stigmas around child-to-parent abuse, and it is often misattributed to poor parenting. The problem is then compounded, discouraging parents from seeking help and perpetuating a cycle of silence and isolation.

The Parallel Lives Programme is a therapeutic intervention in Wales, which takes a non-punitive, relationship-focused approach to support families affected by child-to-parent abuse. Delivered over seven weeks, the programme uses therapeutic and relationship-based approaches to support children and their parents to prevent child-to-parent abuse.

What we found

We undertook an evaluation of the programme to understand its potential strengths for addressing the abuse and areas for development. We used interviews, online surveys, observations and file reviews. A total of 42 people participated, including six members of staff, 19 parents and 17 children.

One of the most significant findings from our research is the importance of therapeutic spaces and the destigmatisation of the issue. The Parallel Lives Programme created safe spaces for families to discuss complex and often stigmatised issues. Therapists provided non-judgmental environments where parents and children felt heard and supported. By framing young people as “children first” and creating spaces free of blame, the programme helped families address their issues.

One therapist described the kind of things that often prevent parents from speaking out:

There’s a lot of guilt and shame attached to [child-to-parent abuse], and [the parents] don’t feel like they can talk about it. So “I must be the only parent whose kid kicks off and breaks my window.” I think it is a lot for them to say, okay, this is a thing, and these are the steps that we can take, and also give them strategy.

Parents echoed this sentiment, highlighting how the programme provided a rare opportunity to speak openly in a supportive environment. One father of a 12-year-old boy described his experience:

Talking about raw emotions with people who do not judge you, they do not gasp, they don’t laugh or tut, they feel what you feel, and they want to help; it’s a safe environment. I struggle to talk about my feelings, and this has helped me open up.

Another important finding was the programme’s emphasis on parent-child relationship building. Both parents and children reported improved communication and reduced conflict as a result of the intervention. One 14-year-old girl reflected: “[Because of the programme] my mum is listening to me more. She used to always just talk at me and have a go at me without listening to my side of things. It’s so much better now.”

The strength-based approach adopted by the programme was also critical. Rather than focusing on deficits, therapists emphasised the inherent capabilities of families. One 16-year-old boy described how this approach helped him “learn to deal with anger and about my strengths”.

Explaining the ethos behind this method, one therapist said: “We focus on strengths. It’s in our [organisational] DNA – everything that we do is focused on children’s strengths.”

Tailored support also emerged as a central factor. No two families are the same, so interventions were flexible and adaptive, considering the unique circumstances and needs of each family member.

Child-to-parent abuse affects families across socio-economic and cultural boundaries. polya_olya/Shutterstock

Recommendations

Our evaluation has highlighted critical gaps and opportunities in addressing child-to-parent abuse. But more extensive research is needed to understand how much of it goes on. Future research should also focus on measuring the long-term effectiveness of interventions like the Parallel Lives Programme.

In terms of policy, child-to-parent abuse requires its own legal and policy frameworks, distinct from domestic abuse. Legislative reforms must reflect the complexity of this kind of abuse and avoid stigmatising children or neglecting parents’ needs.

Initiatives like the Parallel Lives Programme should also be scaled, ensuring accessibility for all families. Increased funding and therapist training are essential to sustaining and replicating such initiatives.

Finally, destigmatisation efforts are vital. Public awareness campaigns may be crucial in breaking the silence surrounding child-to-parent abuse. Removing the sense of shame and disgrace from this issue may encourage more families to seek help and engage with support services.